


A Little Hope

by Butterflyshadow23



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:11:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5251124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterflyshadow23/pseuds/Butterflyshadow23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daisy and Andy have found a happy ending, of sorts. Will Thomas ever find his?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A familiar shadow enclosed the farmhouse door and there was a rare moment of silence. Andy looked up from the washstand, where he had been scrubbing his hands with the carbolic soap. The children, Sammy and Florence, immediately abandoned their play, their matching dark mops of unruly curls bouncing as they raced to the door.

“Hang on, hang on, what is all this then?” Thomas’ voice lifted with suppressed laughter as the twins ambushed him and raided his pockets for sweets and treats. “At least let me get in the door then, will you?”

“You two, come on off him now. That’s enough then.” 

Daisy paused her half hearted scrubbing of the table to guide the children away. She lowered her eyes and avoided eye contact with their visitor. It had been a long time since Daisy had been in service, her figure had rounded since the birth of the twins, and the naivety in her eyes faded now by years of farm work, but sometimes she still felt like a blundering kitchen maid, so quick to blush, especially in his presence. She was a married woman now, but Thomas still had a striking aura that intrigued and discomforted her.

“Is this a bad time?” Thomas disentangled Sammy from his side and looked to Andy and Daisy. His eyes appeared kind but the smirk that still hovered nonchalantly on his lips fold Daisy he didn't really care whether he was interrupting.

“Of course not. It is your half day, isn't it? We were all expecting you.” Andy stepped forward, drying his hands on his breeches. “We could take the twins into town if you like.” His eyes were bright and sparkling as he walked towards the doorway, and Thomas. “You don't mind, do you, Daisy? The books need looking at, don't they?”

“Actually, Sammy is starting with a cold and it is so freezing outside. I thought we were all going to the farmers market.” She took her wedding picture from the mantelpiece and rubbed it with her cloth. She let her fingers linger over the shape of the beautiful dress Baxter had made for her, and Andy’s arm entwined with hers. She could still feel the swelling of pride that had been hers on that perfect day. Could this handsome young man really be hers? Had he really bent down on one knee and asked her to marry him? There was still a slight ring of unreality about it, even now. “Andy…?”

“You keep the kids here with you then.” He said brusquely, charging past her to fetch his coat. “We won’t be long.”

She opened her mouth to protest but the two men were already out of the door. She watched as the children chased the Thomas and Andy into the yard and the chickens scattered, clucking angrily. The twins cried to join their Uncle Thomas, but Andy shook his head as they closed the gate. She called the children back, sighing, trying to catch her husband’s eye. Andy didn’t even give her a backward glance, but Thomas tipped his hat to her. She glowered at him and hurried Florence and Sammy inside.

 

“So, how is married life treating you then?” Thomas took a forceful suck on his cigarette as they walked companionably along the path to Ripon. “Daisy was as welcoming as ever. Seems she still doesn’t quite trust me.”

“It is not that. She has a lot on at the moment. What with the kids and the farm and the old man still being sick.” 

Andy rubbed his hands together against the bitter cold and pulled his jacket tighter over his shoulders. He had been in such a hurry to get out of the house that he had forgotten to fasten his buttons. He had been looking forward to seeing Thomas all day and this time he wasn’t going to let Daisy prevent it. For the past two weeks he had to meet Thomas at the door with an apologetic smile; Daisy had an appointment, family were visiting, there were too many chores to do on the farm. She always would announce this the night before Thomas's half day, with a furtive look in her eye.

 

Andy didn’t object because he knew Daisy had her reservations about Thomas, and not without good reason either. However, he was a steadfast man who always kept his promises, and he had not forgotten the promise that he had made to Thomas on Andy’s wedding day. Thomas had shook his hand and gave his hearty congratulations, of course, had even made some half hearted joke about being under the thumb now, but he had caught that flash of vulnerability in his eyes as he looked away, the brief stab of pain that lingered in his eyes when he thought nobody was looking. Thomas had watched so many people leave.

“I promise we will still be friends. This won't change anything.” Andy had said earnestly. Thomas sniggered and opened his mouth to make another joke. Andy grabbed hold of his arm and squeezed it, feeling the sharp contours of Thomas’ body beneath the stiff material of his wedding suit. “If you ever need me for anything, anything at all…”

Thomas’s mouth froze open, and he nodded slowly.

Now, as they walked along the deserted footpath, Thomas strode confidently and smiled at him. Andy thought that he didn't seem as downcast as he had in those last months at Downton. His pain was almost tangible then, or at least it had been to Andy. But things had changed now. His future was secure, he was butler now and he was forming friendships. Andy frowned and fiddled with the lining of his pocket. He should be happy for his friend, and of course he was, but still…

“You didn’t answer my question.” Thomas met Andy’s eyes for a moment, then looked away. “You and the Mrs, everything going well?”

“The farm takes up most of the time, and you know, the old man is bedridden…”

“Yes, you said.”

“I read that book you left at the farm for me the other week. It was so good.” Andy steered the conversation away and quickened his pace. Thomas looked confused for a moment and then smiled with pride at the mention of reading. “Thomas, do you remember those nights we stayed awake until dawn in your room? You opened up a new world then. I only wanted to read for my job, you know…”

“Of course I remember.” Thomas mumbled, still smiling. “I wasn't that good of a teacher though…”

Thomas was striding ahead, Andy grabbed his hand, meaning to slow him down, but his fingers lingered entwined there. He pulled back and Thomas turned to him, so close that Andy could smell the tobacco on his breath, remembering how it tasted on his tongue, all those years ago.

“Don't.” Thomas snatched his hand from Andy’s fierce grip, took a step back.

“What?”

 

“Don't start things you can’t finish. We are not doing this again.”

“But I need…” Andy was hurrying to keep up with Thomas as he began to walk away, starting to say all those things he had practiced so many times in his head. But it looked as though he wasn't going to get the chance.


	2. Memories

Thomas took a sip of his tea and quietly gagged behind his hand; milk often tasted sickly in the morning, especially when sleep had evaded him the night before. He pushed eggs disinterestedly around his plate and frowned at the huddle of staff at the foot of the table as they squealed over the unexpected early morning guests.

Ordinarily, Thomas would never allow such a commotion at the breakfast table but he didn't have the energy to argue. Besides, Anna and John Bates didn't visit the abbey often now they were settled in town with their children. The maids were gushing over Anna, whose face shone in happiness as she stroked her newly rounded baby bump. Mrs Patmore fussed and spoilt the older children while the others bombarded the couple with questions about their new life away from Downton.

Thomas pushed away his plate and leaned back in his chair, sighing imperceptibly. He half listened to Anna describing the day to day running of their bed and breakfast but his mind was still foggy with confusion and unrest from the day before. He could still feel the pressure of Andy’s warm hand in his, hear him calling after Thomas as he walked away. The Bates’s hadn't come by their happiness easily, he knew, but he couldn't help but envy the simplicity of their lives together now. He tried to shrug the thoughts away as usual. For a man like him, even considering such things was a futile folly. It would always hover out of reach.

He rubbed his temples and gazed out of the windows that were steamy from condensation. He felt a light touch on his arm and turned to find Phyllis Baxter watching him carefully. her eyes full of concern. Not much got past that one, that was for sure, Thomas thought with a smile.

“I am fine.” He whispered to her mouthed question. It was true that he was not struggling in the way she suspected.There were still dark days, of course, days when it was harder to drag himself out of bed in the morning, days when a grey mist clouded his thinking so that he could barely hear the words others were saying. The darkness came and went, but it was hovering out of sight now. He had something else on his mind.

There had been moments when he asked himself why he still bothered to visit the farmhouse. True, the way Daisy struggled to hide her obvious revulsion amused him a little and he did enjoy seeing the children. He had held them both when they were first born, marvelled over the precious milestones they conquered one by one. He knew he would never have children, never experience the kind of life Andy had chosen for himself.

Andy. He could see Andy in Sammy’s gentle and patient demeanour, in the way Florence looked up at him with such complete trust and devotion.

Who was he kidding? He went because his heart still quickened with Andy’s every movement. He still sought his eyes and couldn’t help but smile, despite himself. He didn’t feel jealous. There was something just in the fact that Andy, endlessly kind and giving, had ended up with the simple family life he had wanted. Thomas didn’t feel that he deserved it for himself so he was happy to watch from afar.

And now this. All night when Thomas tried to close his eyes all he could see was Andy and the way he had looked at him yesterday. He always did have a way of gazing at him with such admiration that had always made Thomas feel ten feet tall. On all those nights teaching him to read years ago, he had been so careful not to get too close, not to take advantage. He wanted so much to be the good man that Andy for some reason thought he saw. 

And then, there was that night, he recalled now, letting his eyes wander from the others, a flicker of a smile playing with his lips. His wrists had still been bound in bandages then, and after a week in bed the strength was gradually returning to him. He kept picking up the book on the bedside table that he had been attempting to read but the words tangled into a flood of meaninglessness. He snapped it shut and watched the darkness gather on the ceiling, listening to the faraway mumbles of conversation in the servants’ hall.

Sleep came intermittently and when it did settle on him he would jerk out of it with heart pounding. He never remembered his dreams these days; his mind was a sieve that left him only with this aching emptiness and the tingling from the wounds on his wrists.

His eyes were beginning to flicker when he heard the soft knock on the door and Andy’s quiet mumble asking if it was okay to come in. Thomas barely had time to answer before the door burst open and he saw Andy’s face, animated with a fear that melted to relief when he saw Thomas was well. Thomas winced, he hated that he had done this to Andy and Baxter, the only ones who had shown him kindness. 

Andy had a folded newspaper and a packet of cigarettes tucked under his arm and he wordlessly placed these things on the bedside table for him. This had been a nightly occurrence since Thomas had been ill. He would always plonk himself down on the middle of the bed like that too.. He said the hard backed chair was too uncomfortable and Thomas joked that it was because he was too bloody tall for it. At this, Andy had chuckled and looked away in abashment.

“Nothing much going on from what I can reckon.” Andy said as he unfolded the newspaper, now slightly crumpled from being passed around downstairs. “Want me to read the personals to you?”

“No thanks,” Thomas smiled weakly and instinctively edged away from the warm weight of Andy’s lower back that brushed against his thigh. 

“You can fill me in on all the gossip from upstairs if you like.” Heo offered, pushing himself up to sitting. “Anna says that Lady Mary is definitely going to marry this Talbot bloke?” 

“I expect so.” Andy shrugged his shoulders and reached for the books on Thomas’s bedside table. He flicked through them all with his long fingers, eyes running hastily over words he didn't understand. “I don't really pay much attention, to be honest. As long as they are paying my wages they can marry who they like. Are these books all yours?”

“Yes, my Mum used to save her pennies to buy them for me. I used to be quite good at school and she wanted me to go further with it, like.” Thomas took the book from Andy’s hand and stroked the gold lettering on the spine. “My Dad soon put paid to all that nonsense. He said she was mad to put fancy ideas in my head. Maybe she was right.”

“Is that your favourite book?” Andy nodded at the one Thomas was holding, and read the title slowly and with great effort. “Pride and Prejudice?”

“It’s alright, but its not my favourite, no.” He replaced the book on the bedside table and smoothed his blankets with his hand.

“Thomas, can I ask you something?” It took a long time for Andy to speak again after Thomas nodded his assent, and when he did it was with a halting uncertainty that was unusual for him. “Why did you feel like you had to take your life? Were things really that bad?”

“They felt very bad, at the time.” Thomas explained, meeting his eyes. “But things can get messed up in your mind sometimes.”

Andy nodded thoughtfully and then took hold of Thomas’s elbow with a firm grip. “You must come to one of us next time. You must talk to me. Us, I mean, any of us.” His hand remained on Thomas’s elbow, and Thomas knew he should remove his own, but he didn't want to lose that comforting grip just yet. 

“Maybe I wouldn't have been able to help but I would have tried. I owe you so much. I can't tell you…” Andy’s forefinger travelled the length of Thomas’s arm and paused at the edge of his bandages. 

“You don't owe me anything,” Thomas could feel his cheeks reddening, as Andy’s fingers retraced the line of his arm. He darent move it and stop the tingling sensation that he was feeling. “You shouldn't concern yourself with it.”

“No, I shouldnt.” Andy took his hand from Thomas's arm and moved it to his side. He rubbed up and down with a swift yet gentle motion, that quickened Thomas’s breath. Andy leaned forward, so they were nose to nose. “But I do.”

Andy grabbed him by the middle and pulled him closer. Thomas couldn't remember the last time he had been that close to anyone. So close that he could feel Andy's chest against his, feel the thrum of his heart against his own and for the first time in months he felt alive again. Suddenly, they were kissing hungrily, Andy’s hands travelling all over his body. Thomas glanced at the door, making sure it was locked, and Andy felt him hesitate.

“Do you want me to go?” He broke away from their kiss. “Is this too much?”

“No, please can you stay? Stay with me.” He tugged him invitingly backwards, and the bed groaned with the recumbent weight of the two of them.

Andy touched him gently at first, with a tenderness that had been missing from Thomas’s other encounters. He hadn't known what he meant when he asked Andy to stay at first. It seemed such an odd thing to say. But now he knew now that he meant this. He didn't just want to fuck him, he didn't want another hurried, secret shag that would gratify but wouldn’t last beyond the hickies and bruises. He needed this long hug that Andy wrapped him in. He needed this hand stroking his neck and massaging his back. He needed these slow kisses on his shoulders, and hands quickening over his body.

 

Thomas was interrupted from his memories by a small, crumpled envelope being placed next to his teacup by Anna’s hand. He immediately tried to blank his expression, a stab of panic twisting in his stomach as he imagined her seeing the thoughts in his head. But the only thing he saw in her face was her usual open kindness and a mild curiosity.

“Andrew was waiting outside our cottage this morning when we left to come here.” She explained and he recognised the scrawl on the envelope and rammed it into his top pocket so fast he nearly spilled his tea. “He was quite insistent you should have this. He said it was urgent. I hope everything is alright, Mr Barrow?”

“I expect so. And I would thank you to mind your own business, Mrs Bates.” Thomas said, getting to his feet.

“There is no need for that,” Her husband was at her side in an instant, a protective arm on her elbow. “ Andy seemed upset this morning. We just hope there is nothing amiss.” 

“Nothing for you to worry about.” Thomas said quickly, checking himself. The Bates’s were good people, he knew that now, but all this had set his nerves on edge again. “Andy was just a little worried about a letter he had to write. I said I would help him out.” He took the envelope out of his pocket to show them. “I have to check it today before he sends it off.”

“That is very kind of you.” Anna said, smiling. “He is so lucky to have a friend like you, Mr Barrow.” 

Thomas nodded at her and hurried out of the door, he glanced back to see Phyllis watching him leave with concern knotting her brow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the likes and comments. They mean a lot to me. Hope this chapter wasn't too long xxx


	3. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading/commenting/liking. It really means a lot to me that anyone would do that. Really enjoying writing this xxx

Daisy was flinging the spoon around the basin, beating the eggs so hard that sticky yolk splattered against the wall and sweat trickled down her cheek. She reached up to wipe it away and fix the loose strands of hair that had fallen from her untidy bun. Eyes narrowing, she turned around and glanced at her husband where he sat at the table behind her. The anger caught at the back of her throat. 

Andy was reading that stupid book again. The one Thomas had dropped off for him, of course. Except he wasn't reading it, not really, because he kept gazing out of the window with that gormless expression on his face, drumming his long fingers on the table. He had been edgy all day, running off at the crack of dawn with some errand or other, all of her envelopes and stationery strewn over the table.

“You’ve been on that page for the past two weeks.” She informed him huffily, slamming down the spoon. 

She looked out of the tiny picture frame window at the children as they played in the front yard with the chickens. Florence was dancing and chattering to herself, Sammy was sitting on the steps watching. He was much more cautious and considering than his sister. 

It infuriated her sometimes, the young child’s secretive nature. When he had scribbled on her book she found it hidden beneath his bed two weeks later. Furious, she asked about it and he insisted he hadn't seen or touched the book. The more Daisy demanded answers of him, the more Sammy would stubbornly deny wrongdoing. A few days later he had come to her, eyes watering, and confessed between sobs. She had hugged him instantly, stroking his curls and his burning little cheeks.

Florence’s emotions shone out of her face as clearly as the weather. Sammy would smile at her but his eyes were clouded with some distant thought or worry she couldn't soothe. In that respect he was much like his father, she thought, and her fingers clenched tighter around the work surface. 

“I’ve other things on my mind,” Andy replied, closing the book. Daisy felt bad when she saw how hurt he looked. “I am going to take a walk up the fields this afternoon if it is no trouble. I need some fresh air.”

“Let's make a picnic and we can take Sammy and Florence too.” She cast aside the cake she had been making and wiped her hands on her apron. “It looks as though it might rain though. Dont you think so? Have you seen that black cloud over there? We will have to wrap up warm. Never mind, it will be nice. Don't you think?" 

She noted the irritated look that flashed over his face when he thought she wasn't looking, and the way he hurriedly jumped up from his chair.

“I’d rather go alone, if it is all the same with you, like.” He reached for his coat, avoiding her eyes. “Just to clear my head, you know.” 

“Andy, is everything alright with us?” She stepped between him and the door. “I know you have been down in the mouth lately. We should spend some time together. We don't often get the chance any more.”

His lingering silence irked her and she began to chew her lips. She knew she could sometimes be fierce but she wasn't unapproachable. In fact, truth was she had quite a gentle heart. If only he could open up to her and this heavy silence between them could evapourate. She implored him with her eyes but he remained mute and inscrutable but with that perpetual smile.

“This isnt what I expected either. But we make the best of it, don't we?” Her voice was slightly pleading now.

“Everything is fine.” He assured her, and with a faint kiss on her cheek, he was out of the door again. Daisy tried to tell herself that it was fine. He was just off on one of his walks; he needed them from time to time. He always came back with a lighter step and a refreshed outlook on things. Maybe they would go to the farmers market and she could help him with that God forsaken book. 

Sighing, she picked it up from the table and ran her hands over the shiny leather of the cover, thinking it must have been expensive and Thomas must have money to spare, now that he had been made butler. 

_Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman_ , the title page read and Daisy saw there was written message beneath it in a fine, slanted hand. She went to close the book, reminding herself it was private and she shouldn't snoop but a vague feeling of unease made her open it again.

_Andy,_

You once asked me to tell you the name of my favourite book. I have been thinking of my Mother a lot recently and how she would read poetry to me. She was a kind woman, but she lived a life deprived of the love and passion in the verse she was so fond of. I recently discovered poetry again and these ones are important to me. I sincerely hope you enjoy them too.  
I wish I could become the man she wanted me to be, before she died. I can’t tell you the mess I have made of things.

One thing she taught me was the freedom the written word allows you. It lifts my heart that you now are starting to find this too. Your friendship has meant the world to me and I hope you find everything you are looking for.

Love and eternal best wishes,

Thomas

Daisy had no reason to be concerned. Still, something prickled at the back of her neck as she began to pack the picnic things.

 

Since he was a child Andy had loved to walk. Sometimes, instead of going to school he would escape to the meadows behind the cemetery and eat his lunch under the trees. He would run to join his pack of older brothers as they left the school gates and no one would ever know that he had been missing from his lessons. Those solitary afternoons were the only time he had ever felt free.

Now, as he sat down on the oak tree and surveyed the surrounding fields, scanning them for a familiar figure, he felt that peace and freedom sinking into his bones again. He used to imagine running away to live in the woods and he began to wonder if that were possible now. He frowned as the thought crossed his mind that it might be the only way he could have what he wanted. Who he wanted.

This was the oak tree where he had proposed to Daisy. He had taken her here for a picnic and Daisy, always so proud of herself and her accomplishments in learning, had suddenly been shy and nervous like a blushing schoolgirl. When she accepted without hesitation, he had kissed her and squeezed her hand.

As soon as everyone heard, they were gushing with joy and excitement. He remembered feeling extremely proud, taking up a pencil to write one of his first letters to his parents. He told them he had met a nice girl and he was getting wed, just what they had always longed to hear.

Aside from that it all just rushed by in a blur of suit fittings and congratulatory smiles from upstairs and down. He overheard Daisy telling Mrs Patmore that she loved him, that in her whole life she had never been so happy and felt his knees buckle so he had to rest on the stairs. It all felt like jumping on the wrong train and feeling sick as the unfamiliarity began to sink in.

“You look as though you have seen a ghost.” Thomas nearly tripped over him with his tray as he returned from upstairs. He looked from Andy’s gaunt face to the two women in the kitchen. “Are you well? I hear congratulations are in order.”

They hadn't spoken, not properly, since the night they spent together. Andy curled his toes in embarrassment at the thought of it. Afterwards, he had been too ashamed to return to Thomas’s sick room. When Thomas was well enough to return to work again, he dealt with Andy with a stern rigidity and hurried out of the room whenever they were alone together. 

To begin with, Andy felt hurt. Thomas had asked him to stay that night after all. He hadn't just imagined those returned kisses and the moans of intense pleasure Thomas had stifled. But mostly he just tried to forget it ever happened. When Carson and Mrs Hughes left Downton to open their bed and breakfast, Thomas was given the job of butler. This made him even more remote somehow. The austere distance of him stilled Andy’s tongue whenever he planned to confront him. 

Then, Daisy, somehow sensing his turmoil but not the cause, had gone out of her way to be friends. She confessed her own attraction for the butler, Thomas, and related some of his past crimes. She was sweet and easy to talk to. When the others began to gossip, he considered the possibility of courting her. Of course, kissing her wasn't like kissing Thomas and she didn't make his heart pound in his ears or the heat rise in his chest. But Thomas had made it clear he didn't feel the same way by his distance since that one night. Andy had just been some sort of tonic for his sadness and he knew it wouldn't be repeated.

“We hope you’ll come to our wedding, Mr Barrow.” Andy said nervously, swallowing down his nausea and trying to smile. “And that you’ll visit us on the farm afterwards.”

“That would mean a lot to me.” Thomas gave him a warm, genuine smile. “I might just do that.”

So they began a precarious friendship that Thomas seemed to bask in. He raised a toast at their wedding, held their children and brought gifts whenever he visited. He was always courteous to Daisy but he couldn't help sometimes smiling sarcastically or making a barbed comment in response to her posturing.

Still, Andy felt like things were unfinished between himself and Thomas and he often felt himself yearning for more. The look of pure heartbreak in Daisy’s wide eyes if she were ever to find out haunted him into his dreams, but so did Thomas and the need to be close to him, the memories of his body pressed against his own.

He paced another lap of the oak tree and rammed his hands deep into his pockets, frown furrowing deeper as he questioned his actions earlier that morning. He knew he had been hasty and indiscreet and Thomas, who could be prickly at the best of times, would not appreciate being handed a note at breakfast like that.

However, Andy couldn't wait another week for an answer to his questions. He had already waited years for some acknowledgement of what had happened between them. Daisy did deserve more than this and he knew he couldn't move forward with everything so unresolved. So, he had raided Daisy’s writing things that morning, and scribbled the note while he still had the nerve.

_Thomas,_

Can you get away to meet me by the Oak Tree in Landley Field? Must speak with you. Will be waiting at noon. Please come?

Andy

As he searched the landscape with darting eyes once again, he began to realize how stupid he had been. How could Thomas possibly get away and even if he could, why would he? Soon, he would go back to Daisy and their humdrum existence. This awkward love affair would be put to bed without any real conclusion. Still, he would always wonder, what if…?

“And what the hell is all this about then?” A rough tap on his shoulder startled Andy from his thoughts.

There was Thomas, eyes flashing with annoyance under the brim of his hat. He was waving the folded letter in his hand.


	4. A Moment

The dark clouds were gathering overhead and the air was close. It hung with a humid weight that seemed to pull the branches of the oak tree down to the ground. The sky turned dark crimson in warning; pregnant with the coming storm. As the wind thrashed at the leaves on the tree with violent force, Thomas reflected that it probably wasn’t the best place to be sheltering once the thunder began to tremble.

He thought better of mentioning this to Andy, however. The young man had thrown his coat on the grass and he was leaning against the trunk of the tree. His shoes were worrying the dirt between the tree roots and his arms were folded over his stomach, hands clutching each elbow so that you could see the white in his fingertips.

Thomas noticed the beads of sweat on Andy’s skin and swallowed back his breath. Andy looked as nervous as Thomas felt and he knew he would have to tread carefully here. He tried to plan his words over, casting aside the tongue lashing he had in mind all the way from the abbey.

“If you must know it was easy to slip away.” Thomas said slowly, stepping forward and leaning his elbow against the tree gingerly. “Lord and Lady Grantham are out of the house in London for the week. Phyllis has things pretty much in hand and the Bates’s are visiting. But then, you knew that.” Thomas’s eyes clouded with darkness and he shook his head in distaste. “Jesus, what on earth were you thinking? Bates, of all people?”

“Anna is a good sort. There was nothing in the letter. I only said I wanted to see you. Which I do.” Andy turned to look at him with those eyes full of hurt that caught Thomas off guard and immediately filled him with tenderness towards the younger man. When he spoke again, it was gently.

“What’s so important that it couldn't wait, eh?” He leaned a little closer and shook the hair from his eyes. “What’s up?”

“What do I mean to you?” Andy asked, with a tremulous voice. “Don’t you even remember what happened between us?”

“Of course I remember.” Thomas whispered, and how could he possibly forget? The night Andy had come to him had been the most beautiful of his life. He had been with other men but nobody had ever took so much time and effort to please him. It had always been rushed and shady, with him doing all of the running. Being with Andy was so far above anything else. “I remember, Andy. I remember every moment.”

“Do you really?” Andy stood up straight, his cheeks now flushed with rage. “So, why do you keep pushing me away? I would have given everything to you. I did risk everything for you. You treated me like shit on your shoe. You ignored me. Then, all of a sudden, we are friends again and you give me all this hope. I am so bloody confused right now.”

Thomas nodded and murmured his acknowledgement, but found himself at a loss for words. All he wanted to do was take Andy in his arms and hold him close, tell him that I ll was what he had always wanted to do, that every night before he slept he remembered Andy’s arms around him, and just the ghost of that one night was enough to sustain him through the mess of his life.

How could he explain how much it had broken his heart to turn away all those years ago? He remembered waking up the next morning with Andy’s arm around his middle. He remembered watching him sleep into the early hours, stroking his back and relishing these stolen moments as the tiny clock ticked away on his bedside table.

“I did what I thought was for the best. You were young and you don't understand what it is to truly be on the outside like me.I didn’t want you to.” Thomas took his hand. “What do you mean to me? What do you bloody mean? I love the bones of you. That is why we couldn’t have anything more because it wasn’t fair to you. You deserve more than secrets and sneaking around. Marrying Daisy was the best thing that could have happened. We could still be friends and you got everything you wanted.”

“ No, I didn’t.” Andy, pulled Thomas into his embrace and ran his hands over his back, the fine cut of his suit jacket. Then he slipped his hand underneath and felt the heat of his skin under his shirt. “I only wanted you.”

“I want you too.” For one moment, just one moment, Thomas let himself relax into Andy’s arms after all this time of aching for it. He ran his bandaged hand through the man’s hair and pushed him up against the tree. His other hand was traversing the length of Andy’s torso, tugging at the belt buckle.

“We can’t do this.” He whispered as Andy took hold of shoulders and pressed his lips to the base of his neck.

“We can.” Andy took Thomas chin and forced him to look into his eyes. “Just this one time, we can.”

And Thomas kissed him then, with all the heat of a hedonistic desire that washed over him in a wave. He tore at buttons and slid off Andy’s belt, letting it snake to the grass beneath them as the first few drops of rain trickled through the leaves above their heads.

*****

The wicker picnic basket made grooves in the skin of Daisy’s hand as she trudged through the long grass and eyed the storm clouds dubiously. Perhaps she had packed too much food for herself and Andy, she thought. Pork pies, sandwiches and cakes weighted the old basket down so much that she adjusted the weight to her elbow. 

She had dug the basket out from the cupboard not long after Andy had left for his walk. It was hiding at the back and dusty from years of abandonment; she couldn't remember the last time they had been on a picnic.

It was all a last minute whim really. She had dropped the children off in the abbey kitchen with Mrs Patmore and they were happily playing with Anna and John’s brood. She knew Andy said he wished to be alone, but if she surprised him they could finally sit and talk.

As the wind tugged at her hat and she held it tighter, she smiled thinking of the long talk she had with Mr Mason that morning as she sat by his bedside. He had spoken of his wife and the deep love they had for each other, the family idyll they had found with William. But he was regretful too, that his wife hadn’t achieved all she wanted in life. He was adamant that Daisy must not make the same mistakes.

Daisy had a good idea where she would find her wandering husband, and she grinned when she saw his coat lying on the grass by the oak tree. It gave her hope that he had come to the place that had been so special to the two of them. Maybe happiness wasn't so faraway after all.

She crept on tiptoe in her kid heels, planning to surprise him with a boo and a kiss on the cheek. What she saw when she turned the corner turned her insides to ice and drained the colour from her face. 

The two men were shirtless, clothes strewn in the dirt around them. They were kissing hungrily. hands exploring and delving everywhere. Andy had never kissed Daisy the way he kissed Thomas, with so much passion they were almost hurting each other.

Daisy choked back her tears and ran back the way she had come.

****  
Andy had always enjoyed watching storms take their course across the sky. As a child, his brothers and sisters had squealed and fled under tables when the lightning flashed, but not Andy. He would be sat on his father”s knee, glowing in the sound of the rushing rain against the roof and the wind rattling the tiles.

He couldn’t remember witnessing a better one than this, sheltering in the nearest barn with Thomas, cigarette smoke wafting in front of his face as he watched the lightning shatter the sky to pieces. The taste of Thomas was still on his lips and their hands clasped tightly, neither of them dared to move, to break the moment and cause the parting they both knew was coming.

Andy remembered why he loved storms; there was that electric anticipation in the air. The cleansing of the tight air, refreshing the farmland around them and bathing it in a new, gentle light.

Beside him, Thomas shivered and hunched his shoulders. Andy held him a little tighter, knowing that he didn’t enjoy the storm as much. He was the one who suggested they shelter in the barn a while although that may have been just so they could spend this little moment of time together before they went their separate ways.

The rain usually disgruntled him but he appeared quite calm and content now. He had a small smile glued to his face and his breathing was slow and even, as he leant against Andy languidly.

“So…” Andy spoke reluctantly into the echoing barn. “We are just friends then?” He knew the answer but still his voice rose in questioning.

“It is all we can be right now.” Thomas stubbed out his cigarette and picked stray strands of straw from his clothes. “You have a wife and family. You need to be with them. Daisy is not all that bad.” 

“She is not you.” Andy snuggled closer to him.

“True that, but we can’t all have the genius of Thomas Barrow now, can we?” They laughed until a rumble of thunder seemed to shake the ground beneath them, and lightning exploded before their eyes.

“You could never leave your babies behind. I wouldn’t want you to. I have done some stupid things but I couldn’t live with that. Not now."

They listened to the rain slowing to a trickle on the barn roof and watched the dark clouds disperse, neither one saying a word. Andy felt that the air felt fresh again after the harsh rain and despite everything, there was a little hope in that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again so much for comments and likes!

Thomas topped up the tea in Phyllis and Anna’s teacups and edged a little closer to the fire, still feeling shivery from walking in the rain. He had been back at the abbey a few hours now and he had invited Phyllis and Anna to take tea with him to distract him from his roaming thoughts. In his mind be was still under that oak tree with Andy, where he had been free for the first time.

Brushing a hand anxiously through his hair he grimaced, he could feel the slimy rain from the abating storm. The last drizzle was tapping gently against his window now, barely audible above the laughter and gossip of the two women.

“I think you ought to just go down on one knee and do the business yourself.” Anna gave a girlish giggle and nudged Phyllis in the ribs. Thomas pulled himself into the thread of the conversation, catching Phyllis’s dismay that after two steady years of courting, Moseley was yet to propose. “Sometimes these men just need a little push in the right direction, don’t they?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Phyllis blushed shyly and stirred her sugar into her tea. “It is not something I have a lot of experience with. He is very busy with his work at the school and Thomas and I are always rushed off our feet here. Aren’t we Thomas?”

She watched him, as she had been watching him all day, with eyes full of questions and concerns. Thomas gulped his tea and evaded her stare. She knew something was going on and it wouldn’t take her long to wheedle it out of him but he wouldn’t tell her yet. He wanted to keep the sweetness of his stolen moment with Andy all to himself for a while longer.

“Mrs Hughes and Carson seemed to manage it well enough.” He rejoined gruffly. “Imagine what they were getting up to behind our backs all of that time…?”

“Well, you are a good looking boy and all, but I think me and you should pass on that, if it is all the same.” She looked between them with merriment and then frowned again. “You get out and about a lot. Have you been seeing someone on the quiet?”

“Fat lot of chance of that.” He gave his best guffaw and tapped his cigarettes on the table in a nervous rhythm. “That stuff is all in the past for me.”

“What about Andy?” Anna spoke thoughtfully into the ensuing silence and they both looked up at her in shock. “He seemed to like you so much is all. He was always giving you gooey eyes over the breakfast table. Not that you would notice, of course.”

“Andy is married.” Phyllis said with emphasis, straightening her back. “Thomas would never act on such a thing, would you?” She looked at him then and he almost saw it click behind her face as the colour faded in her cheeks. “Would you?”

“You know, John and I made some friends when we were holidaying in Brighton. Two young men who ran the bed and breakfast we stayed in." Anna leaned back on her chair and ran a hand over her baby bump. “They were a couple like man and wife, you know. They made it work, kept it quiet. Those who knew never remarked on it but most just assumed they were close friends.”

“It is not for me.” Thomas smiled gratefully at Anna and avoided looking at Phyllis, who was still silent in shock. “Best off leaving the proposals and the litter of sprogs to you two. I’ll probably end up like old Carson. I’ll rule this place with an iron fist and maybe I’ll develop a fascination with Lady Mary. I’ll steal her fancy knickers and keep a stash in my desk drawer.”

“Hark at you then.” Anna laughed. “Tom Branson’s undergarments is more likely.”

“Well, that means I can be Mrs Hughes and keep you in check.” Phyllis seemed to have recovered her composure although the dark look she gave him made Thomas snatch out a cigarette in haste. He would be in for it later, he knew.

As he fumbled for his matches in his pocket a loud cacophony of laughter erupted outside the door and he heard the screech of childish shoes speeding on the polished floor.

He had come across the Bates children on his way back from the field, and as was the custom, fetched the sweetie jar from the back of his office. The rambunctious brood grabbed handfuls of the toffees, although most of the chocolate ones had already been taken by Master George. 

As he was handing out second helpings, he noticed that Florence and Sammy were among the crowd. That was nothing particularly unusual. Daisy often left them in the kitchen when she was busy. Thomas liked having children running about the place so he never complained.

Still the sight of their wide eyes and grateful smiles as they popped the small treats in their mouths began the first stirrings of guilt as he realized what he had just done with their father.

He had an image of his own self as a young boy. When his father’s business had not been doing well, his Mother had taken in washing and mending from fine ladies to supplement their income. They would walk from for miles in the early evening, delivering little bundles to grand townhouses.

His Mother would stoop with the weight of the washing. She had once been a beautiful woman, with long dark hair and blue eyes like his own but in all of his memories of her she was hunched and drawn, worn down by too many years of beatings and betrayals. Thomas did not mind so much when his father hit him but washing the matted blood from his Mother's beautiful hair broke his heart. 

He always felt that he deserved it, but she didn’t. She didn’t deserve to see her husband parading the streets on the arms of other women. Most of all, she didn’t deserve the blows of frustration he pounded on her for tying him down. 

She told him once how as a child, she used to go to a bookshop on the main Street and hide for hours. There was a maze of bookshelves and so many novels to disappear into. It was the quietest place she had ever known and the most alive. Her eyes sparkled when she spoke about it and it was the most alive she had ever looked too. His father had taken that from her, he thought sadly. 

Thomas thought about Daisy as he struck the match and watched it flare, then fizzle down to a tiny pin head of flame. He thought about how she was always harping on about books and taking those tests while she was at Downton. She was full of fire then and Thomas used to amuse himself by picking little fights with her in the evenings, just to see her rant and rage until she was fit to burst.

He thought of her now, bent over the sink in the farmhouse, bitterness prematurely wrinkling her face. Andy was not a cruel man like his father had been. He would always try to do his best for them all. Yet, there was something wrong in it. The thought of them playing out the chocolate box dream extinguished with the blown out match in his fingers. 

Phyllis and Anna were getting to their feet now but Thomas took hold of Phyllis’s arm to keep her from leaving. She would be shocked and disgusted of course, but he had to tell someone. As soon as the door closed on Anna, Phyllis looked at him full in the face.

“You better tell me what has been going on.” She said, folding her arms.

 

Daisy pushed open the door to Mr Mason’s room with such urgency that it crashed against the inner wall. The bang failed to wake the sick old man, who slept deeply on his propped up pillows, a long stream of spittle dripped from his open mouth and pooled on the linen.

She breathed in the comforting smell of camphor oil and various herby medicines, prescribed for a chest that wheezed and spluttered up dark, blood stained mucus. Deliberately, Daisy clattered as she fetched the handkerchief to wipe his chin but still he didn’t wake.

Tears strangled her throat and threatened to cascade down her face once more, though her cheeks were already scarred and swollen from endless sobbing as she wandered the countryside after her discovery. What she needed now was the old man to wake so that she could pour out her despair and her anger. The anger most of all.

She had known anger before of course. Anger that twisted like a knife in her gut and wrapped so tight inside that she ended up doing and saying things she later regretted. This anger was of a different calibre. It lit her insides with an intense flame and set her limbs to trembling. The handkerchief wavered and shook in her hand as she dabbed harder than she should have, but still he didn’t wake.

,Tears leaking unchecked again, she crossed the room and left, barely noticing the heavy mud stains she left all over the floor. How long had she wandered those fields, seeing those two men so lovingly entwined before her eyes. It was an image that would be burned on her mind forever now, she knew that.

In the kitchen, she climbed the stool and reached for the biscuit tin where she kept the stationery things. Without hesitation, she picked up the fountain pen Mr Mason had given her. She collapsed into a chair and began a strong worded letter to Lord Grantham. 

***

Andy was returning to the farm house with a much lighter step. The skies were darkening now and he could only see shadows on the path before him. There was a different quality to the darkness in the countryside. It was a more complete stillness that lent itself to fears of what may be lurking unseen. 

Andy tossed away the uneasy feeling and thought instead of his afternoon with Thomas: the heat of his breath in his ear, the way his hands had clutched at him with an urgent desire, so that he could almost still feel them now. Most of all, those words that he had never even dared to dream of. “I love the bones of you..”

Someone was calling his name and there was a silhouette on the footpath ahead. The bedraggled figure was running and panting. As he came closer, he realised it was Daisy, covered in mud and crying heavily. She ran to him and threw herself against his chest, streaking his shirt with tears and dirt.

“What has happened? Where are the children?”

Daisy could hardly speak between gasps and Andy’s thoughts swirled, had she found out somehow? Had she seen them together?

“You have to come back to the farm. Please come and help me. The children are fine, they are at the abbey.” She squeezed his arms and let out a little cry like that of an injured animal. 

“What has happened?”

“Oh, Andy. It’s Mr Mason, I can’t wake him up. I think he is dead.” 

She took him hold of his arm and together they ran back to the farmhouse.


	6. Chapter 6

Thomas lowered his head and curled his toes inside his shoes in trepidation. He was standing outside the library, where he had been summoned to speak with Lord Grantham. He gave a light knock and while he waited for the reply, in his fingers he held fast the letter he had written the night before. He squeezed it hard like a talisman to protect him from coming danger.

He hadn’t been surprised when he had word that he was wanted in the library. He had suspected this conversation with Lord Grantham had been on the cards since Mr Mason’s funeral. It had been some months since the old man passed away but that night and everything that had happened since pressed on his mind and gave him a ferocious tension headache. He remembered the night it happened and clutched his letter to Lord Grantham a little harder.

That had been the night he had confessed everything to Phyllis and she had listened in quiet reflection without judgement, as he knew that she would. When he finished she was silent for a few moments longer, thinking over everything that had been said.

“Of course I knew how you felt about Andy. I saw the way you looked at him. I never considered that your feelings were returned. This makes things very complicated.” She wrinkled her nose in thought. “You say that you are going to be friends but are you? Can the two of you keep your feelings in check? Because if you can’t, this could end disastrously.”

“I know that.” Thomas mumbled, rolling his cigarette beneath his fingers on the table. “Being friends is the only way we can still see each other.”

“But Thomas, it will break your heart, seeing him regularly and not being able to be close to him the way you want. Either way, it is pain and heartbreak for you and you have had your fair share of that already.”

“So, what do you think I should do?”

“It is not my place to interfere.” He squeezed her hand and gave her an urging look, to tell her that he valued her opinions. “But if you do wish to know what I think; a bit of time and distance never did anyone a bit of harm in situations like this. Sounds as though Daisy and Andy have a lot of sorting out between themselves to do and as his friend, you should respect that. A bit of space will do you good too, so you can gather yourself and think about what it is you want. Are you following me?”

“Yes.” He nodded and laughed. “You are telling me to back off.”

“In a more diplomatic way, yes.” She laughed too and squeezed his hand in return. “But think, you and Andy can still be friends if that is what you both want, just give things a little time to settle, so it doesn’t get out of control.”

“I suppose you are right, as always.”

“But Thomas, you need to think about what you really want. Are you happy here at Downton, truly? Is it your life ambition to be a butler?” She leaned back in her chair and watched him affectionately. “Remember when you and your Mother were thick as thieves? She had so many dreams for you. She never stopped talking about all the great things you were going to do. You have achieved so much already, but I can sense your frustration. I don’t think this life of service is enough for you.”

It almost brought tears to his eyes, when he realized how much she knew him. He blinked them away and gathered his arrogant mask, joking that he should be the one giving the orders to an army of staff. 

Her words resonated in his mind as he continued with his work and when he had finished making sure the abbey was secure, he found her at her sewing in the servants hall. She said that she had been waiting up and she needed to speak with him. 

“Poor old Mr Mason has passed away after so much pain.” She informed him, shaking her head. “Daisy is quite distraught, bless her and the children had to stay late at the abbey. It is all a terrible business.”

“What about Andy? Is he alright?” 

Phyllis placed the dress she had been altering on the table and looked up at Thomas worriedly.

“That is what I wanted to talk to you about. Andy came by a little while ago to collect the children. He was quite insistent about wanting to see you. I said you were very busy and couldn’t see him, nor would you be able to for a while. Is that alright with you?”

“You did right.” Thomas nodded his head, considering. “And Phyllis? If he comes by here again asking for me, tell him I am still busy.”

It bothered him that he couldn't comfort his friend when he knew that Andy needed him but Phyllis was right; it was the best thing for everyone. When Lord Grantham had asked him to go to Mr Mason’s funeral and express sympathy on behalf of the Crawley family, Thomas inwardly shuddered. He hadn't known the old man at all really and the whole thing would be horribly awkward. 

Still, he grudgingly took the steps up the churchyard path. He spotted Daisy instantly, huddled under a thick black coat and looking smaller and paler than he remembered. She saw him too and the familiar hatred took over her features, but this there was a sharp as edge to it, as she marched over to him.

 

“I don’t know what you are doing here.” She scowled and snatched her hand away as Thomas went to shake it. “You weren’t invited and I would rather you left.”

“Lord Grantham asked me to relay his sympathies. And the sympathies of the whole family at…”

“You won’t be working for that family very much longer if I have anything to do with it.” As Thomas frowned in confusion, she folded her arms. “I know what you have been doing with Andy and it is disgusting. First you bully poor William and make his life a misery and now this abomination. You’re going straight to hell, you know. You’re pure poison and always have been. I’ll not let you take my Andy with you. I’m warning you now, you’ll pay for what you have done.”

As Andy spotted Thomas and crossed the church yard to join them, Daisy hushed her voice to a whisper. Thomas swallowed and took a step back, allowing her words to sink in. Andy put his arm around Daisy’s waist and rubbed her side. He nodded to Thomas in greeting and thanked him cordially for coming but his eyes were cold and distant. All the affection was stripped bare and it was all different between them now.

As soon as the service was over, Thomas hurried from the Church without saying goodbye, wishing more than ever that he had never shown his face there to begin with. Still, at least it was clear to him that Andy had now chosen Daisy and that made the plan that was taking shape in his mind become even firmer. He chain smoked his way home as he considered carefully his options.

 

He had just about ironed everything out in his mind when he turned the door handles and prepared to face Lord Grantham, who was standing by the windows with his hands clasped behind his back. He turned and smiled when Thomas entered, but his forehead was wrinkled with deep thought. Thomas wondered how Daisy had done it, a scathing letter most likely. He would love to read the damning words contained within it.

“Ah, Barrow, sorry to call you up here so suddenly, it is just…”

“Forgive me the impertinence of interruption, your Lordship, but I have been meaning to give you this.” He took the letter from his pocket and handed it over. “It is my notice, you see. I am very grateful for the years of happy employment you have given me here but I have made different plans for my future, sir, and I must leave Downton to set them in motion.”

Lord Grantham turned the letter over in his hands, pursing his lips together. “Must you leave? You are aware you place me in an unenviable position. To lose one’s butler is a frightful inconvenience. Not to mention the disruption this will cause to poor Master George.”

 

“But…” Thomas staggered backwards a little. “Did you not have a letter from Daisy? Did you not summon me here to dismiss me?”

“Nothing of the sort. I haven’t the faintest idea what you are talking about, man. I wished only to tell you that we have some American friends visiting and to discuss some plans for Christmas.” Lord Grantham rubbed his temples and sighed. “Do you still wish to leave us? If you were to stay, I can make things more comfortable for you. Is it a payrise you are after?”

“Thank you kindly, my Lordship, but no. I really must leave. You see, I have some money put by and I wish to open my own shop. A bookshop, maybe. And I would like to do some tutoring in reading and writing.”

“Very well, if your mind is made up, leave it with me. I will say that we will all miss you greatly, below and above stairs.”

“Thank you, my Lordship.”Thomas left the Lord Grantham sighing and grumbling to himself. He opened the library doors and nearly knocked Phyllis off her feet. She blushed, obviously eavesdropping on the conversation.

“So, it is really happening? This is really what you want?”

“It is what I need.” He took a deep breath in relief, and allowed her to wrap him in a tight hug.

Andy chopped the carrots for dinner and sprinkled them into the stew pan. He wiped down the wooden surface, but after three months of only himself using the kitchen, it was already pretty clean. He checked the window again and listened for the sound of John Bates' car. He had kindly promised to collect Daisy and the children from the train station later that evening. He couldn't see any headlights yet however, only the twinkle of the festive coloured lights that he had fastened to the barn for the twins.

It was almost Christmas and earlier that day he had paused to watch the footmen and hallboys struggling to balance the weight of the biggest Christmas tree he had ever seen. He would miss Christmas at Downton: miss the magnificent splendour of it all. He imagined Thomas would be rushed off his feet with the preparations. Maybe Phyllis wasn’t entirely fibbing when she said he was too busy. He missed Thomas profoundly, but Christmas wasn’t Christmas without the children.

 

He missed the noise and clutter of Sammy and Florence, he realised with a lingering sigh, as he scrubbed the potatoes clean of dirt. He missed Florence chattering in the early hours of the morning and Sammy singing to himself as he built tiny toy block towers in the corner. 

When the funeral was over, Daisy had announced that she was going to be staying with her Aunt for a while and Andy had presumed that it would be for a couple of weeks at most, not three whole months. At first he had enjoyed the solitude, the relief of dropping his mask, no longer having to offer what Daisy seemed to seek; a love and comfort that always felt forced and arduous. Now, with nobody around to talk to, he just felt lonely.

He had been to see them at Daisy’s aunt’s pub in York. Daisy was always busy with some lesson or meeting and Rose, the fiery red head aunt, made him feel very much in the way. He enjoyed taking the children around town. He bought a curly haired doll for Florence and a wagon for Sammy. He even picked up some of the novels Thomas had mentioned from the rows of bookshops on the shambles. He loved the hustle and bustle of city life after the ingrained boredom of their country existence.Returning to the farm was much harder afterwards and the thought of being without Thomas, even as friends, depressed him most of all.

He knew that this was the way it had to be. Only, on the night Mr Mason died, the need to see him had been a physical pain. Daisy had looked to him for some kind of protective strength he didn’t feel he possessed. She had clung to him like a child and he did his best to soothe her, but inside he was trembling too.

The sight of the dead man, curled and empty now like the cattle he had to bury, turned his insides over. He gathered strength from somewhere, called for the doctor, calmed Daisy with tea and a warm bath. However, he was counting down the seconds to get to Thomas and he was sure he startled Phyllis Baxter with his demand to see him when he burst into the servants hall at the abbey. She only took him aside and sat him down.

“Andy, Thomas told me about the two of you.” Phyllis took his hand and spoke to him gently, with compassion in her eyes. “You know it would not be a good idea to see him right now.”

“I don’t mean to be with him in that way. Just speak with him. Just be friends.”

“Do you remember the day we found Thomas, when you broke down the door?” There were tears threatening to fall from her eyes and he shivered, nodding. “Andrew, I never saw anybody so unhappy. Every day he gave me clues of his despair and I ignored them. I thought it was just his taciturn nature, the confusion over his future. I dread thinking what would have happened if we had been minutes later.”

“Me too. I love him so much.” Andy said, reddening, but it felt good to say it aloud to someone else at last.

“I can’t let that happen again. I won’t.” The tears had spilled over her cheeks but she looked at him with a steely determination. “The guilt of this will destroy him. He loves you very much too, I can see that, but if you love him, you mustn’t drag him into this. Choose him or Daisy, but you can’t have both. He deserves more than what you can offer him right now.”

Andy’s shoulders sagged, remembering those words. Remembering seeing Thomas at the funeral and how drained and worn he had looked. He wanted so much to hold him once again right there in the church yard. He knew if he looked at him too long he would not be able to restrain himself, so he had looked away. He had reached for Daisy instead and Thomas had left without even saying goodbye.

Now, Daisy was due back any second and as he tossed more vegetables into the stew he was making for them all, he straightened, readying himself to inhabit this character he had created. He would look after Daisy because that was the best thing for everyone.


	7. Chapter 7

Daisy shivered and stamped the snow from her boots. She took a few long breaths to steady herself and nervously glanced around the farmhouse. For the last three months she had been dreading this moment, dreading returning to the place where he had died and her life had unravelled. What she hasn’t been expecting was the deep warmth and relief that flooded her as she breathed in the homely aroma of Andy’s cooking and looked over once again the evidence of the life they had built together. Slowly, reminding herself to be brave, not to crumble, she let her eyes fall on to the table, and Andy.

He was dozing on one of the kitchen chairs, head propped up on his elbows so that it kept lolling from side to side as deep sleep threatened to overtake him. Slumber robbed him of the worry lines on his face and left him child-like and open, so that all that all the anger she had harboured towards him melted and slipped away like her coat to the floor. She swallowed, closed her eyes.

Be strong. Don’t crumble.

“You shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble.” She spoke loudly into the silence and he jumped awake instantly, shaking his head. “I am only staying a night or two.*

“Daisy, you’re here…” He stumbled to his feet and blinked as his eyes got used to the pale lamplight. Daisy looked away as the worry lines returned to his forehead, clouding the smile he gave her. “I was waiting for you. I must have dozed off.”

“The train was delayed because of the snow.” She explained, picking her fingers from her gloves. “You shouldn’t have decorated the barn. I told you when we spoke that I might leave Florence and Sammy in York for Christmas.”

“Where are they?” Still, his eyes searched the doorway behind her, as if they might appear there.

“I thought it was best to leave them where they are settled while we have some time to talk.”

Andy was visibly disappointed and he turned and began ladling out the stew he cooked so that he could hide his frown from her. She took a walk around the kitchen and rearranged some of the picture frames that he had moved while she had been away. It struck her that she could keep silent now and they could slip back into their old life so easily. She considered it for just a moment, considered living deep in lies just so she could keep hold of this comfort that she had missed so much.

“He’s been, I suppose.” She ran her finger along the bookshelf, seeking the envelope and retrieving it from it’s hiding place behind the Shakespeare. “Thomas, I mean. He has been visiting while I have been away?”

“He has been very busy. That is a strange question, isn’t it?”

“I have a few strange questions for you, actually. It seems I don’t know you that well after all.”

“What are you on about? Don’t be daft. You do know me.”

“I know you have been lying to me.  
Don’t try to deny it because I saw you and Thomas together the day Mr Mason died.”

Andy turned to look at her, aghast,and as he did took a shocked stumble. She took his arm to steady him but the bowl of stew that he was holding crashed to the floor and shattered to peices around them. 

“And you didn’t tell me?” He took her hand and she allowed him to hold it. They stood together with the shards of broken crockery spread like confetti around their feet. “You went all of this time without saying anything?”

“There were other things to think about. That was the worst thing. All of this happened when I needed you the most.” Her voice wavered and she gulped back tears. So much for being strong and not crumbling. “It would all be easier if you weren’t so bloody nice all the time. Otherwise I could rant and rave and throw you out into the snow like I planned to. Now I just feel so sad.”

“Throw me out into the snow if you like. It is no more than I deserve for treating you so badly.” He hung his head and sighed, she could almost smell the tears about to mirror her own and trickle down his cheeks.

“It’s that Thomas, he is so manipulative. I fell for him too once, you know. But maybe…” She wiped her tears away with the back of her other hand, breathing quickening with new hope. “Maybe we can fix this and still be together. He doesn’t have to ruin us.”

“Don’t blame Thomas.” Andy squeezed her hand. “You were right before. There are many things you don’t know about me. I was the one who kissed him. I went to his room a long time ago. I wanted to be with him, do you understand? None of this is his fault. He was unwilling to hurt you.”

“He looked pretty willing from where I was standing.” She remembered the two of them, kissing so hard that the world could have tumbled down around them and they would have been oblivious to all but each other. 

“Can’t you see how he has you wrapped around his finger? It is because you are so kind hearted. But it will be alright. I have this letter I wrote to Lord Grantham. I didn’t send it because I was so upset, but we can do it now together.” She handed the letter to him. “Don’t you see? Thomas will go away and we can be together with the children again. I will forgive you. I really love you that much.”

“Do you really love me?” He tossed her letter away like it might burn him, and took a deep, thoughtful sigh. “Daisy, let's clean up this mess and get something to eat. You must be tired after the train journey. Then we can sit down and talk properly.”

 

Thomas scooped up the contents of the chest of drawers and began to place them in his bag. He didn’t have many belongings after all these years; a few books, some clothes and letters, but he took care to make sure they were all packed carefully and wouldn’t get broken.

As he folded the note that Andy had sent to him and placed it on the top of the small pile, he couldn’t help but let his eyes wander to the window, where he could just make out the twinkle of the Christmas lights that adorned the farm. Anna told him that Daisy was expected home today and he could picture their festive reunion, all presents and food and perfect family happiness.

There was a part of him that hoped it would all implode now. He pictured the Christmas lights smashing, sending sparks everywhere. There was something wrong about it all; they could never be happy in the way that he and Andy had when they held each other. He could still almost feel the warmth of holding him that radiated through him and cast away his anger. Phyllis was right, it was up to the two of them to fix things between themselves. He could only concentrate on his own life.

It had been good to run into Anna in the village earlier. She had been pushing a huge perambulator that bounced and rattled as she ran to catch up with him. He peered inside at the little girl wrapped up in knitted blankets and sleeping soundly, with a tiny hand curled by rosy cheeks. She was chubby and sweet, with long dark eyelashes and a dimple in her chin.

“We are calling her Elizabeth.” Anna said proudly, wrapping the blanket a little tighter around the little girl. “Beth for short.”

“That was my own Ma’s name.” Thomas could not help smiling, awestruck, at the precious little thing. “Let's hope she has her Mother’s good sense and not her father’s temper, eh?”

“Oh, Thomas.” She laughed and touched his elbow. “I don’t think I will miss comments like that. I heard that you are leaving on Christmas Eve. Could you not at least wait until after the new year?”

“No point in waiting around. Best slipping away while everyone is otherwise occupied.”

“You won’t get away without a fuss. We will miss you too much.” She caught his eye. “And there really is no chance for you and Andy? With Daisy away, I was hoping he might convince you to stay.” 

“You are a brazen little hussy under that meek demeanor, aren’t you?” He gave her a playful push. “Just because you had no qualms about your husband being already married, doesn’t mean others are the same.”

“Oh hush, you.” She sighed. “At least stop by our place before you leave tomorrow. I will make you tea and you can hold Elizabeth properly.”

“Sounds like an offer I can’t refuse.”

He smiled as he watched her walk away. It was good that the tow of them could be friends now as he had always admired her fierce determination to get her man despite all the obstacles that faced them. He would miss her, he realized, as he climbed into his bed for the last time ever. 

Most of all, though, he would miss Andy. He would miss going to sleep knowing that the man he loved wasn’t faraway, that he could look out of the window and see the lights from the farm. At least he would always have the memory of being loved so passionately. He would take that with him to his new life in York and to wherever else life might take him.


	8. Chapter 8

Andy watched Daisy move around the kitchen the next morning as if seeing her for the first time. When they had met, she had been a determined young girl with a head full of new learning and a list full of ambitions for her life. He saw some of this resolve in her now as she rummaged in cupboards and tidied as she searched. Something had been missing before, he realized and somehow the night before had brought it all back again.

“Would you like an omelette?” She turned to look at him and there was almost a friendly smile on her lips.

He realised, as he had last night, that he loved her. That was how he knew he was doing the right thing.

 

Elizabeth stared up at Thomas with her two week old blue eyes and he had to stroke her face and whisper nonsense to the little girl. She would not remember him when she was grown, nor probably would any of the other Bates or Parker children. George, Sybbie and Marigold might retain some hazy recollections of a butler who was kind of them but they would travel down the roads life marked out for them without ever knowing that he had loved and cherished them all.

He felt the eyes of the room upon him and heard their laughter and joking remarks about how soft he had become. For once, he didn’t mind them laughing at him. The room was full of friends now and he knew their teasing came from love. 

When Anna had invited him to tea the day before, she had neglected to mention the little party she had organised for him. Everyone he knew had gathered; even Lord Grantham was sipping tea and nibbling specially made cake, squeezed uncomfortably into one of Anna’s cosy chairs. He kept mumbling about his American friends visiting, so Thomas knew he would not endure it long but it was nice of him to make an appearance all the same.

“You see how much we all love you?” Phyllis hugged him tight and kissed his cheek. “You must come back often to visit and know our doors are always open, if it doesn’t work out.” 

“Same goes for you.” He squeezed her tight in return. “If Moseley keeps on dragging his feet with this marriage proposal, I will be needing a polite and professional assistant to help me run the shop.”

“Will you indeed?” Anna giggled, eyes lighting up with mischief.  
“I am sure there will be lots of pretty young men volunteering for that one.”

“He’s not coming, you know.” He whispered, catching her checking the window for the hundredth time and guessing her plans. “It is Christmas Eve. Andy will be busy with his wife and children after their reunion. I don’t mind at all really. It is all in the past now.”

“Oh, Thomas.” Phyllis rubbed his shoulder. “I wish things could have been different between the two of you. I know he really loves you.”

“It is not over yet.” Anna insisted, scowling at them both and flicking open the net curtain to check the street again. “I called around this morning to personally invite him and he will come. I know he will.”

***

Andy had been leaning against the kitchen side, watching Daisy prepare breakfast and turning over their talk from last night in his mind. 

“I am not that hungry.” He smiled at her. “We don’t have long before we have to walk you to the train station.”

Could it really be so soon that they were going to part? He repeated his words from last night again in his mind, wondering if he had been too harsh and hasty. When she told him she loved him, that is when he had known that he loved her too. He loved her as the friend she had always been and he couldn’t carry on making her so unhappy. 

“I’m sorry, Daisy, but I can’t lie to you any more. It will always be Thomas. I love him. I can’t stay here with you and be your husband any more.”

“No, you can’t. Can you?” She sniffed, plugging back her tears for a few seconds. “I knew that. That is why I wanted him to go away. It was the only way to stop you leaving me and going to him."

She let the tears escape then and he knew he could do nothing but hold her hand tightly and wait for her to calm. He had always felt that she was like a child he had to protect and so to know he could not shield her from this hurt made him want to cry. He knew now was the time to stop protecting each other and it felt like he had just shaken heavy chains to the ground. Her shaking sobs began to still and she began to wipe her face. She watched him thoughtfully. 

“But Andy, what will you do now? Will you go to him and live like we have done? How can that ever be? You know you will go to hell, don’t you? It is a crime against nature.” She looked at him with genuine trepidation that made her hands tremble. "My Ma always said it was an unforgivable act of sin, to be a sodomite. Will you really do that with Thomas?"

“There are ways and means. When you were in York you must have seen many people living lives that are different to what you are accustomed to. They don’t get struck down by lightning, do they? It will be very hard, I Imagine, but there has to be some way we could make it work.”

“Aunt Rose has a lover who is a lady.”Daisy recalled with an awestruck wonder. “I assumed they were close friends to begin with. Then I saw them kissing after the bar closed. It is all very unusual.”

“Will you cast me off?” He asked her suddenly. " Please don't stop me seeing the children." 

“Of course I won't." She shook her head as if the idea was ludicrous to her. “I would never do such a thing. Florence and Sammy need their father. I find this all strange and you have both hurt me a great deal, but I will try to make sense of it. If you want to go to Thomas, I can’t stop you, can I? But a part of me will always love you a little bit, I think.”

“I know.” He pressed her fingers in his own. “You are an amazing woman, you know. You deserve someone so much better than me.”

“Don’t say things like that.” She shook her head. “I only deserve the same things you do. I hope he makes you happy. That we can both be happy. That is all I ever wanted, really.”

 

The party was drawing to a close and people were beginning to leave. Thomas began to check that he had everything packed and ready for the train. By the window, he spotted Anna still stubbornly searching the street for traces of her missing visitor. He finished his packing and began to walk over to her, shaking his head, when Phyllis took his hand.

“I feel so bad about everything that has transpired between you and Andy.” She confessed, wringing her hands with worry. “I feel I have a part in how it has all played out. You know, I spoke with him, I told him he had to make a choice. I didn’t want to interfere or anything, I just had to do something to make it better for you.”

“Don’t fret about it. It was always inevitable that things would end this way. It could have been much worse but for you. Men like me don’t have happily ever afters.”

“I don’t think anyone does, I wanted you to have love all the same.” 

“I knew it!” Anna turned from the window, her eyes alight with glee. Moseley, John Bates and every one else turned to gape at her in confusion. She blushed girlishly and ran to the door. The next second, she was bustling Andy into the room. He was wrapped up in a thick coat and scarf, but his cheeks were still rosy from the cold. Phyllis tightened her hand on Thomas’s as hard as a vice. He barely felt it, all he could see was Andy smiling shyly at him, and Anna grinning at them both.

“We should leave you two alone.” She grabbed her husband’s elbow and propelled him towards the door. “I thought I heard Elizabeth crying in her pram.”

“Hang on a minute.” John looked annoyed at being interrupted from his chat with Moseley. “Can I not just finish my cake at least?”

“Bring it with you for goodness sake!” She gave him a push into the hallway and the others hastily followed suit. 

Suddenly, it was just the two of them and an uncomfortable silence settled on the room. Thomas held his breath.


	9. Chapter 9

Outside in the square some of the village children had gathered to sing carols for a small crowd. Andy nervously moved to the window and watched them distractedly, running a finger along the table, between the half demolished, abandoned party food. 

Thomas came up behind Andy and cleared his throat. He stifled down the desire to touch the back of his neck where his curls met his collar and slip a hand around Andy’s waist. The longing to be intimate was a force that was too powerful to quell. He focused on keeping his breathing regular to prevent himself from making a huge mistake.

“Sorry that I missed all the fun. I thought I would make it in time but we got held up with one thing and another.”

“John and Moseley ate your share of the cake so it is of no matter.” He rolled eyes and tried his best to appear nonchalant. “Still, you could have brought me a leaving present at least.”

“You could have told me you were leaving at least.” Andy smiled but his wrinkled brow showed he was only half joking. “When were you planning on letting me know exactly? A letter from your new place? Or maybe not even that.” 

“It was the situation, you know that.” Thomas lifted his hand, intending to take Andy’s in his own. Then he thought better and smoothed his own aching forehead. “How is Daisy doing? She has never been a close friend of mine but I was sad to hear about Mr Mason’s passing.”

“She is doing better.” Andy gazed distractedly out of the window again. He fidgeted endlessly, worrying paper napkins and teaspoons with his fingers. Thomas saw that his nails were chewed down low so that the fingertips bulged over the top. He twitched his own thumbs. If only he could take hold of them once again and kiss each one slowly, with no rush or worry about getting caught. He would taste and enjoy every last inch of him then and his heart would still be thudding in his ears like it was now, drowning out Andy’s words.

“York did her good, I think. Her Aunt has a pub there and perhaps you should stop by, when you have the time. I think you would enjoy the characters who drink there and fit in really well.”

“Maybe I will.” Thomas shrugged his shoulders. “Will you and Daisy drink there too, when you a visit? I hope you will bring the nippers.”

“Maybe we will.” Andy smiled mysteriously and finally left the table. He sat down on the Bates’ loveseat and beckoned for Thomas to do the same. Thomas perched on the edge, reaching for his cigarettes and turned the pack over in his pocket.

It was impossible, he thought to himself, being this close, breathing in the smell of outdoors on Andy’s clothes, feeling the weight of him and seeing his hands, now in touching distance but forever barred and knowing this would be the last time they would even be in each other’s presence.

Andy said he would visit but deep down Thomas knew that it would not happen. Daisy would never allow it and who could blame her? They might see each other in passing, ask after each other’s health and make casual remarks about the weather and how fast the children were growing but they would never hold each other again. Perhaps, as people kept telling him, he would find new friends and maybe someone would love him for a while but it would only ever be lukewarm. Nothing could ever compare to the heat of Andy in his arms..

To his shock, these thoughts caused his eyes to fill with sudden tears. He swallowed so hard and gasped to keep them down but they rushed down his cheeks, bringing a scalding shame that engulfed his insides and set his cheeks aflame. He fought never to cry in front of others if he could help it. He had learned to early on that tears left you dangerously naked and unguarded. Once again, he spluttered, fighting them down and he felt Andy’s concerned gaze upon him. 

And without warning, those longed for hands were seeking his and Andy lifted them to his lips, kissed Thomas’s knuckles, that were tensed from endless clenching. And then he felt arms around him, pulling him into the tightest hug so that he could feel Andy’s heart beating against his own and lips kissing his neck, whispering soothing words. 

“Just a minute,” Andy was pushing him back again and Thomas felt the loss of his body keenly, like a blow to the face. He braced himself for the rejection that was coming, the reminder of all that parted them and finally the goodbye. It was the goodbye he was dreading most of all. 

“Anna told me just now when she opened the door that you were looking for an assistant for your new business. What would that involve exactly?”

“What are you on about?” Thomas blinked in confusion.

“Just answer the question. What sort of assistant are you looking for? I can do the smiling politely and looking pretty bit but I am not at all well read. I am a fast learner though but you know that.”

“Andy, what on earth are you babbling at now?” Thomas leaned away from him, anger now tightening his face. “Don’t take the mickey out of me. You can’t be the sodding assistant, can you? You have a wife and a farm and…”

“No, I don’t.” Andy smiled. 

“What?”

“Well, you are right I do have a wife. She will still be my wife whenever either of us needs it, for family gatherings and things like that. But I walked her to the train station this morning. She is off to be a modern woman, continue her education. We agreed to live separately though remain married for appearances. I love someone else, you see.” 

“What about your children? You can’t give them up, you complete fool.”

“That is true. I don’t have to. I am going to move to York and Daisy said I can see them when I like.”

“The farm? You can’t just leave it.” Thomas’s head was spinning. He took Andy’s offered hands again to steady himself.

“That is why I am so late to the party. Daisy and I went to see a friend of ours who is going to take over the farm until someone permanent can be found.” Andy kissed his hands again, so softly that he shivered. “So, can I have the job? Do I have to apply in writing?”

“Are you in your right mind?” Thomas shook his head and tried to wake from this dream. “You can’t just come with me. This can’t happen…” 

Andy kissed away his protests, thrusting his tongue deep in his mouth and throwing him back on to the love seat. As his clothes were tugged at, Thomas relaxed into the kiss, beginning to let his own hands roam over Andy’s body as he rubbed against him. Slowly, this time, because they had all the time in the world to enjoy each other now. Or so they thought.

“Ahem.” John Bates was standing in the doorway, trying to avert his eyes. “Don’t mean to intrude only Anna was asking if Thomas still meant to catch the three o clock train? It is just that is getting on and she was worried he might miss it.”

“For goodness sake,” Thomas grumbled, straightening his clothes and rolling his eyes at the giggles of Anna and Phyllis in the background. 

“So…” Andy was still watching him, the light of happiness finally spreading out from his smile and reaching his eyes. “Do I get the job or not?”

“Only if you don’t mind long hours and little pay.” Thomas gave him one last kiss on the lips regardless of who was watching. “Bed and board are included, of course.”

“You can pay me in kind, I suppose.” Andy kissed him back more lingeringly.

“You really must hurry if you want to make the train.” Anna and Phyllis were in the doorway now, their big silly, school girl like grins visible over John’s shoulders. “Are you still going?”

“We will catch the later train.” Andy told them but his eyes never left those of the man he loved. "Then we can call back at the farm and collect my things, perhaps spend a little time together.”

They reluctantly turned away from each other and looked at their friends. They kept their hands tightly clasped, however, as they went with the others to watch the carollers in the square, and they stayed that way all afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is it! Thank you so much everyone who read and left comments on this. I was so nervous about writing and posting but now I am glad I did. I may even write more!
> 
> My ending for Thomas would be something like this. I think they will pair Andy and Daisy, so I am imagining this would happen. Daisy needs to be independent and Thomas and Andy need to be together!
> 
> Thank you again for comments. Please everyone keep writing Thomas/Andy fics xxx

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic and I am very nervous. Please be gentle! :-)


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